TALES OF THE AFTERLIFE: Ed Slimey

Ed Slimey maneuvered his Mercedes into his private parking place in front of his store, Slimey's Rental. He got out of the car and locked it.

"Nice car!" said Bill Robbins, the manager of Fabulous Finance. Fabulous Finance was next door to Slimey's Rental.

"Thanks!" Ed replied, glancing lovingly at his pride and joy. "Top of the line. I get one every year. Wouldn't drive anything else."

"Hey, Ed, let's try out that new Chinese restaurant for lunch today!"

"Good idea! See you at noon!" Bill and Ed unlocked the front doors to their respective businesses and went inside. It was 8:30 and customers would soon be coming in.

"Gotta put these new signs in the window!" Ed thought to himself.

He laid the large signs out on the table so he could admire them.

"SUPER VHS for only $20 per week. No Credit Hassle!" read the first sign.

Ed laughed to himself as he taped the sign in the front window. He rented at least a dozen of those video cassette machines each week. At twenty dollars per week, his customers ended up paying over a thousand dollars to rent the machine for a year and $3000 if they opted for the three-year "rent-to-own" plan. All for a machine that Ed bought for $125 wholesale from a Korean distributor.

Ed's customers were people who were, for the most part, down on their luck. They didn't have the cash to buy furniture or small appliances at a regular store and couldn't qualify for any kind of credit. Ed didn't mind taking advantage of their adversity.

"Heaven, I'm in Heaven!" Ed sang to himself as dollar signs danced in his head.

Ed had just finished taping the first sign to the window when his first customer came in.

"I saw the sign in your window for the Super VHS!" said the young man with the tattered jeans and dirty t-shirt.

"You came to the right place," said Ed. "Twenty bucks a week and it's all yours!"

"What kind is it?" asked the young man. "My cousin has a Sony and likes it a lot."

"I'm glad you asked!" replied Ed. "Ours are built by Sony!" he said, leading the young man over to the corner where the cassette recorders were displayed.

"But this says VIDEOMASTER on it" the young man objected.

"That's the beauty of it!" said Ed. "Sony builds these in their own plant in Tokyo and puts our name on them. You're getting a real SONY Super VHS recorder without paying for the name."

Ed, of course, was lying. Sony had nothing to do with the machines. They were assembled in Malaysia by some obscure company no one ever heard of.

"Yeah, that makes sense," said the young man.

"Of course!" said Ed. "It happens all the time. C'mere." He lead the young man to a display of vacuum cleaners.

"See these SuckMaster vacuum cleaners? Who do you think makes 'em?"

"Dunno" said the young man.

"Hoover!" shouted Ed, lying again. "Hoover builds these and puts our name on them."

"That's really weird!" said the young man.

"It's not weird at all!" said Ed. "Who do you think builds Hondas?"

The young man shrugged. "Honda?"

"Ford!" shouted Ed.

"Are you sure about that?" asked the young man.

"Would I lie to you? Whaddaya say? You gonna take one of our SUPER VHS machines home with you?

"I ain't got no cash," said the young man. "The guy at Electronic Palace said I could apply for their credit card and buy a cassetter recorder for only eighteen percent interest."

"Eighteen percent interest?" shouted Ed, feigning horror. Forget the credit hassle. Our Rent-to-Own program makes a lot more sense for someone like you. You look like an intelligent young man!"

"Well, I'm not sure. That credit card could come in handy."

"Why mess around with credit card applications when you can walk out with one of these baby's right now?"

"Yeah, you got a point," the young man replied.

"Sign right here!" said Ed, slamming an application and a pen down on the table. A few minutes later the young man walked out with his Super VHS recorder.

THREE HOURS LATER:

Bill Robbins, the manager of Fabulous Finance, walked into Ed's store. Fabulous Finance, like Slimey's Rental, took advantage of people who were down on their luck. Fabulous Finance customers were always short on cash and couldn't qualify for a traditional bank loan or even for a Visa or Mastercard. They'd put up all their earthly possessions as collateral for a 30 percent loan from Fabulous Finance.

"Hey Eddy!" said Bill. "Let's hit that new Chinese restaurant next door.

Ed and Bill went next door to the new restaurant. As was their custom, they walked to the table all the way at the back of the restaurant. This gave them the opportunity to steal the dollar bills previous customers had left as tips on the tables. If their timing was right they could not only get their lunch free but earn a nice profit as well. Stealing the tips of some hard-working server didn't bother them a bit. They found a table and sat down. A pleasant young woman handed them a couple of menus.

"What kinda scam you got goin' this week, Ed?" Bill inquired.

"Just got a new shipment of SuckMaster vacuum cleaners in," said Ed. "I pay $27 a piece for them. I rent them out for $10 a week. My discriminating customers own them in only three years!"

Bill did a little quick math in his head. "Fifteen hundred bucks for a $27 Hong Kong vacuum cleaner!" shouted Bill, laughing hysterically. "Oh man! And I thought I was getting away with something charging 30 percent for a loan!"

Ed leaned back in his chair and laughed. He suddenly turned white.

"Hey, Eddy! What's the matter? You look like you just seen a ghost!"

Ed choked a couple of times, stared at Bill, and fell over. Fifty years of high-cholesteral food and no exercise had taken their toll. The Grim Reaper came calling, and Ed was ready with his bags packed.

MEANWHILE, ON THE OTHER SIDE:

"Uncle Frank? Are you okay? Uncle Frank?"

Ed opened his eyes and saw the young woman staring at him with a look of concern on her face.

"You must have dozed off, Uncle Frank!" she said.

Ed didn't recognize the young woman. And why was she calling him Uncle Frank?

"I was just passing by on my way to the community college. I thought I'd check and see if there's anything you need," she said.

Confused, Ed just shook his head.

"Okay, well, give me a call later if you need anything. I've got class until 3:00 but I'll be home shortly after that if you need anything. Give me a call."

And with that, the young woman departed.

"Who the hell was that?" Ed thought to himself. "And where's Bill? Hey, this ain't no Chinese Restaurant."

Sure enough, Ed was no longer in a Chinese Restaurant. He was in a dreary little third-floor apartment. And it was hot. The temperature must have been 100 degrees. A little electric fan labored away by the one open window. Ed tried to get up to see what was going on - but couldn't move his legs. He looked down and was horrified to see he was sitting in a wheel chair.

"What the Hell's goin' on!" he shouted. He saw a mirror on a nearby wall. He wheeled over and looked.

"Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

He wasn't ready for what he saw looking back at him. For instead of seeing a reflection of himself, Ed Slimey, he saw the reflection of a much older man. An older man with no hair and no teeth. And a small clear-plastic tube protruded from his nose. It was connected to an oxygen tank built onto the back of his wheel chair. There was a knock at the door.

"Frank Wiley, I know you're in there! Open up!" The door flew open. And in came two young men wearing coveralls. "SLIMEY'S RENTAL" was embroidered on the front of each pair of coveralls.

"Sorry old man!" said one of the young men. "You're three weeks late on your oxygen rent."

The second young man went about removing the oxygen tank from the back of Ed's wheelchair.

"I can't breathe!" gasped Ed.

"Well, you should have thought of that before you defaulted on your payments, old man!" said the first young man.

"Too bad too. You would have owned this unit in another couple of months."

The two young men wheeled the oxygen tank out the door. Ed, slumped in his wheel chair, gasped for air in the 100 degree heat of the tiny third-floor apartment. No one came back to check on him. The only sound that would be heard in that apartment would be the little electric fan in the window - and Ed gasping for air.

Forever.