TALES OF THE AFTERLIFE: HARRY

"Good morning!" said the friendly stranger, holding the door open for Harry.

"What's good about it? " Harry growled.

Harry didn't trust people, especially friendly strangers. He had dropped by K-Mart to pick up a prescription and he was in no mood to exchange pleasantries. Harry was upset that, at the tender age of 23, he already had an ulcer. Although Harry caused his own ulcer with his own intolerance, he blamed everyone else - his family, even total strangers.

"Good morning!" said the K-Mart greeter, a pleasant woman in her 60's.

"Yeah, right," barked Harry, heading for the prescription counter.

Harry was not only mean and intolerant to people, he was cruel to any living creature he encountered. As a teenager he would spend hours shooting song birds out of the trees with his BB gun. As a child he delighted in catching small animals and burying them alive. He would do his evil deed and then laugh as he'd imagine the anquish being experienced by the small creature as its oxygen ran out.

Harry paid for his ulcer medication and headed back out to the parking lot. His stomach was hurting - perhaps some food might help. Harry pulled into a nearby McDonald's and moved into the drive-through lane. A Sausage McMuffin and Coke might be just the thing to relieve the discomfort in his stomach. That is, if the old woman ahead of him would make up her mind. She was looking at the menu board, trying to decide whether she wanted a strawberry danish or a Breakfast Burrito. Harry blew his horn and shouted out the window.

"Make up your mind or get the hell outa my way, you old witch!"

Upset, the old woman moved ahead and placed her order. She glanced nervously in her rear-view mirror as Harry glared at her. He ordered his sausage McMuffin and Coke and headed out onto the highway. Unfortunately for Harry, he didn't look to his left. An 18-wheeler going 60 MPH hit him broadside. Harry didn't see the tunnel and white light so commonly described in near-death experiences. He just heard the crash and, for an instant, felt intense pain. The next thing he knew, he was standing about twenty feet from what was left of his car. He felt just fine.

"Damn!" Harry thought, "Good thing I've got insurance!" Harry watched as people ran out onto the highway.

Harry heard the approaching sirens. "I suppose I'm going to be cited for this. It's not my fault that damn truck was going too fast."

Harry's concern about insurance and traffic citations turned to sheer horror when he saw his own broken body being pulled out of the wreckage of his car. He walked a little closer. Sure enough, the body he was looking at was his own. Police were now on the scene taking statements from horrified witnesses. Paramedics loaded his dead body into the back of an ambulance.

"So this is what it's like to be dead!" Harry thought to himself. "Well, so far so good."

Now, Harry didn't relish the idea of being dead. But the fact that he was conscious, in no pain, and able to walk about freely relieved him greatly.

"Hey Buddy!" Harry shouted to a nearby police officer. The man didn't hear him. Harry shrugged. "Well, at least I won't be hassled by the cops!" he chuckled to himself. "If this is what it's like to be dead, how bad can it be?"

Harry sat down on the curb to decide what his next move would be. He'd seen the movie Beetlejuice on HBO a few days ago and was amused at how his own after-life experience seemed to parallel that of Alec Baldwin and Gina Davis.

"I wonder where that little Beetlejuice character is," Harry thought. "Hey, what do you know! My stomach doesn't hurt!" He leaned back and contemplated how he would spend eternity in this painless, carefree existance.

"I gotta try this!" Harry thought as he got to his feet. He walked out into the middle of the highway - straight in the path of an oncoming Greyhound bus. Sure enough, the bus passed right through him. For a brief instant, his head and shoulders protruded from the floor of the bus, right in the center of the aisle. He watched the passengers pass him by.

"Oh man! That was amazing!" Harry laughed to himself. He jumped out in front of a car. Same thing - the car passed right through him. "This could be fun!" He jumped in front of about a dozen more cars, enjoying the thrill of watching them rush right at him - and then through him.

"Oh great! Here comes a yellow cab!" he thought. He jumped out in front of it. The cab driver slammed on the brakes and stopped.

"What the?" Harry yelled.

"Get in!" the cab driver ordered.

"You can see me?"

"Of course I can see you. Get in!" the driver ordered.

Harry walked around to the passenger side of the cab and climbed into the front seat, next to the driver.

"Where are we going?" asked Harry.

"Hell. Where do you think?" replied the driver. The cab driver put his foot on the gas and continued down the road.

"We're going to Hell in a cab? " Harry laughed. The driver didn't answer. He just glanced at Harry for an instant and then jammed the gas peddle to the floor.

"Whoa!" Harry shouted, holding on for dear life . . or . . after-life.

"Watch out. The speed limit is 45."

The driver ignored Harry and continued speeding up. The scenery rushed by so fast it turned into a blur.

"Hey! Slow down!" Harry screamed. He figured they must be going at least 120 MPH. In reality, they were going 180 MPH and speeding up every second.

"You haven't seen anything yet!" said the driver, shoving his foot down on the gas pedal. They were now going so fast that the blur outside the windows turned into a blur. Harry was shoved back so far into his seat he couldn't move. They were moving so fast that the colors outside the windows were being warped into colors Harry had never seen before.

"What's this thing run on, anti-matter?" Harry gasped.

"Oh great!" said the driver. "Another Trekkie."

"I hate Trekkies!" shouted Harry.

"So do I!" replied the driver. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, the cab began to slow down. They were on an isolated two-lane highway in the middle of nowhere.

"Where the Hell are we?" asked Harry. The driver just looked at him and smiled. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, for a few miles ahead was the largest amusement park Harry had ever seen. In the middle of nowhere! It was the size of Delaware.

"You like amusement parks, don't you?" asked the driver.

"Oh yeah!" shouted Harry with glee.

"Then you'll love this one!" said the driver. "This is Disney World, Kings Island, Cedar Point and every amusement park you've ever dreamed of, all rolled into one."

The cab pulled up to the main entrance. Sure enough, as Harry looked through the main gate he could see Sleeping Beauty's Castle, Pirates of the Caribbean and all the other attractions he'd seen at Disney World plus rides he seen at Six Flags, Cedar Point and other parks.

"Damn! This is magnificent!" Harry shouted. "You're right! This is Disney World, Busch Gardens and more, all rolled into one! But where are all the people?"

"There aren't any, Harry!" said the driver. There's not one other person within a million miles of this place. Just you!"

"You mean I've got this great amusement park all to myself?" Harry shouted.

"It's all yours, Harry. The rides are all operating. The restaurants and snack bars are stocked with fresh food and drinks. All for you!"

"Well I got news for you!" said Harry. "Somebody screwed up. This isn't hell, this is heaven!"

Harry jumped out of the cab.

"Aren't you coming in?" he asked the driver.

"Nope! You're all alone, Harry. I've got more passengers to pick up!" And with that, the cab sped off down the two-lane highway and disappeared.

Harry looked up at the main entrance in front of him. "Welcome to Hell" the huge sign over the entrance read. Harry walked in. He couldn't believe what he was looking at. The place was every bit as beautiful and clean as Disney World. Fresh flowers were everywhere in beautifully manicured gardens. Every attraction Harry had ever seen at the world's greatest amusement parks - all blended into one magnificent park. Sure enough, all the rides were in perfect working order, just waiting for him. And, best of all, there weren't any people! Harry had the whole park to himself, forever!

"Where do I start?" Harry thought to himself. He decided to get something to eat. After all, he hadn't had a chance to eat his Sausage McMuffin before that truck nailed him. He walked over to a nearby sidewalk cafe. Since there was no one to wait on him, he walked behind the counter and helped himself. He made himself a couple of hot dogs, covered them with hot chili and onions and poured himself a large Pepsi.

Harry took his food to a nearby umbrella table and sat down to eat. The hot dogs were delicious - the best he'd ever eaten. Harry was overjoyed at his good fortune - an endless supply of delicious food and great entertainment. The sun was shining brightly and the temperature was a perfect 75 degrees. And best of all, no people! Harry finished his hot dogs and stuffed the paper plate and empty paper cup in a nearby trash container.

"No use littering my own personal amusement park," he thought to himself. Harry looked around. What would it be first? Pirates of the Caribbean? Space Mountain? Demon Drop?

"Would you look at that!" Harry said to himself. Off in the distance he saw the biggest water slide he'd ever seen in his life. It was one of the enclosed, tubular slides. The tube, instead of being the familiar fiberglass, was made of a crystal clear material, like glass. And it was huge! And high! It was so high you had to take an elevator to get to the top. And it looked like it went for ten miles or more. What a ride!

Harry ran as fast as he could to get to this sensational, out of this world water slide. He jumped on the elevator and pushed the red button that would take him to the top. Up he went.

"This thing must be twenty stories high!" Harry shouted. The view was breathtaking. For the first time, Harry could see the entire amusement park and beyond. The park was the size of Delaware, at least. And beyond? Nothing. Just empty land from horizon to horizon. The elevator stopped. Harry stepped out.

"Thank you God! Thank you for sending me to Hell!" he shouted. He looked into the water slide. How inviting! Fresh, clear, warm water was gushing out of several outlets at the entrance, cascading down the inside of the tubular slide. Already dressed in shorts, Harry ripped off his shirt, shoes and socks and jumped in, ready for the ride of his life. Down he went, lying on his back, feet first, with his arms at his sides. The water was warm and wonderful.

"Man, this thing is slick!" Harry laughed. "I'm really picking up speed! Yahoo!" he shouted.

Harry was having the time of his life. This was totally unlike any water slide he had ever imagined. Faster and faster he went.

"Oh man!" Harry thought, "I'm really gonna fly out the end of this thing fast! I'm gonna skip across the water like a frisbee" he laughed.

He couldn't wait. "Heaven! I'm in heaven!" Harry began singing to himself. His joy, however, suddently turned to stark terror, when he realized the tubular slide was getting narrower. It was imperceptible at first but, sure enough, the diameter of the slide was getting smaller as Harry picked up speed. Horror doesn't begin to do justice to the feeling Harry experienced when he recognized the predicament he was in. He tried to stop. But it was no use. There was nothing to grab onto. The inside of the tubular slide was perfectly slick and slippery. Not only that, but Harry could only move his hands a few inches. He was on his back with his arms at his sides, and the diameter of the slide wasn't great enough for him to change the position of his body or his arms or legs.

Down he went, picking up speed, faster and faster. By now, Harry was screaming his lungs out. He knew what was going to happen in just a few more seconds. If the slide continued to narrow, he would be wedged inside it for eternity.

And then it happened! The slide narrowed to the point where it stopped Harry's forward plunge. He was at a dead stop. And the tube was so tight he couldn't move a muscle in his body. He was wedged tight. So tightly, in fact, that he could barely breathe. There wasn't room for his diaphragm to expand his chest to take in a full breath of air. He could only breathe in short, gasping breaths. His arms, of course, were wedged tightly at his sides.

His first thought, of course, was to scream for help. But he couldn't. You need lungs full of air to scream. Besides, as the cab driver had pointed out, there wasn't one person within a million miles of Harry's personal amusement park. To make matters worse, Harry couldn't even count on death to end his torment. He was already dead.

Harry had a long time to enjoy his personal amusement park. A long time indeed.